You must have know you was pregnant? I thought it only happened in the films and TV shows where people did not know there were pregnant for a long period of time? No I can tell you that it doesn’t only happen in these settings I did not know that I was pregnant till 26 weeks.
Mum guilt is something which I think every single parent struggles with and there is multiple reasons as you might have read a few months ago now when I did a post about the guilt which I suffer because of the fact that I missed two whole trimesters with Jess. Today I am going to share with you another thing which causes me mummy guilt is the fact that I am a working mum well university student mum which is the same as having a full-time job due to a number of hours I have to pump into my studies.
I was lucky to have a whole year of staying at home to look after Jess because of the fact that her birthday is September and this is when the academic year starts so I had to wait to be able to go back to continue my studies. At the time it was not one of the most enjoyable times for me because I would get bored quite easy I would love now to have the year with her. The reason behind this is because now she does have her own personality which is amazing and we can play a lot more which is something that I know she thoroughly enjoys.
However, getting time to play with Jess and spending quality time with her is something which I know I don’t do enough because of the fact that I am always busy either commuting ok yes we do spend time together then but she is usually in her pram grumpy. Or she is at nursery while I study and now as I had reached my third year it can mean that I have work to do on a weekend because my workload is so much higher I don’t always get it all done in the week which is something that really sucks and eats on family time.
When I start to feel guilty for this I remind myself that I am actually studying in order to give her a better life because it should improve my job opportunities. Currently, I have to wake Jess up around 5.45 and she is not getting to bed till between 7/8pm. Of these hours I properly only see her for a couple of these most of them are spent on a train going to university which means the time is not good quality.
My stress levels, of course, this year are higher because of the fact that I know I need to succeed and get good grades in order to be able to continue my studies. I have spoken to a number of people about the fact that I sometimes feel super guilty about this issue and they always come back saying they don’t know how you actually do it. Sometimes I think I do need to see the bigger picture and it is going to allow me to provide a much better life for her then she would have if I did not complete my studies. At the moment while I am slaving away over essay plans and readings I think about how amazing it is going to be to have Jess at my graduation. Another excuse for Mummy to purchase her a beautiful dress for the occasion.
I am fully aware that the mum guilt will not go away even when I complete my studies because I am going to have a job no doubt which means that I do not work normal 9-5 hours. The benefit of already been a qualified sports therapist and someone who wants to continue into physiotherapy. I think one of the reasons why the mum guilt at the moment is even more increased for me is due to the fact that Daddy is not here. This means the at the moment Jess is spending a lot less time with us as a family than I would like and she is growing up a lot faster than I would like. I don’t want to miss so much of the precious moments which occur while they are developing their personalities even more.
I do not regret having a child so young because I know that I am still able to continue my dreams of a career. As well as enjoy all the fun times which I have as a result of having a toddler. Yes, it might mean that my days as a university student are over as I used to know them but there is nothing better than not been hungover at 9am in a lecture and getting huge cuddles and Jess shouting I missed you when you pick her up. Even though this does pull at the heartstrings because I know nursery does her so much good and allows her to learn and develop as a person but I can’t help but feel guilty that at the age of 2 she misses me.
I know I am not alone a recent study shows that 57% of British parents priorities work over family life. I know for sure at the moment that I am one of them because of how important this year is in terms of my study. I know that I really need to work on my work-life balance and this is something which I am going to focus on more when Joe is home. I may even do a post on how I have changed my ways in order to spend more time with Jess. There are quizzes online such as this one which will help you see the work-life balance you have.
Do you have mum guilt because of being a working parent?
It is not something that I will ever forgot I knew I had been getting more tired but I put this down to working part time being in the last few weeks of the second year of my degree. Meaning a lot of late nights making sure that the deadlines were completed so I thought nothing about it is and just took more naps during the day which is normal for students to do anyway.
Due to the fact I had been working on a project instead of going on work experience it meant that I had not seen a couple of friends for a few weeks I think it was about 4 weeks. One of them when I saw them said oh wow when did that happen I knew I had gained a little bit of weight but it was only a small amount and I put that again down to the poor diet I had because I was so busy and too tired to cook. I thought she was referring to the weight that I had gained in the last couple of months and ignored it. It wasn’t until a few days later that I felt some almost like pops of air in the bottom of my stomach that I started to be concerned. I realised that this point that it had been about 2 months since I had a period TMI I know but because of stress I did not think anything of it.
I remember vividly going to superdrug purchasing a pregnancy test and then going to the university library because that was were my friends were at the time to do the test. I text one of my friends to come to the toilet with me to do the test because I was scared to do it alone. I purchased one of the the ones which tells you how many weeks I remember it saying 3+ weeks my first thoughts were OH SHIT.
I had been out partying only that week because I was a student who was enjoying been care free and having a few drinks and a few more was part of my life back then. It was a good way to socialise with friends. One of the first things which came into my head was like I am going to have to sort this I can’t have a baby I need to finish my degree and be more settled before I can have a child. As some of you might know if you have read my birth story I told Joe on his 21st Birthday which meant he got really drunk. We spoke about everything and decided that our best option was to try and have an abortion or have give the little one up for adoption
At the time we didn’t know how far along I was or anything so I booked in to see a doctor as soon as I could be cause of the situation I was in I wanted to have an abortion should it be possible. I didn’t think I would be past the 12 week cut off. I booked my appointment with the abortion people and a lovely friend who I am so thankful for them through the whole of my pregnancy because I don’t know if I could have done it without them. I went for a scan so that they could see how far gone I was I remember them saying are you sure you have not had any feelings of movements and I explained about the ones the popping of air. The lady I clearly remember saying well you can not have an abortion your over the legal limit you are around 26 weeks.
This is when we went down the route of speaking to the relevant people about adoption. I spent a lot of my pregnancy with social workers because I had to do all of the medial forms and everything ready for the when baby was born. There was a foster family ready so that there was people to look after her before a forever family was found.
This is where the mum guilt gets me because I didn’t want to be pregnant I wanted the baby to be born so I could go back to my own life as horrible as it sounds. I didn’t take pictures of my bump I don’t have any scan pictures because I made them turn the screen away from me. I feel guilty because of the fact that that I had been drinking I know how dangerous that could have been. I blame myself now when she is crazy it is because she know she has all ready been drunk.
I feel guilty that the majority of the clothes which she got when she was a baby were picked by other people. I only actually purchase her one outfit and then after we decided to not go through with the adoption my cousin went out and purchase everything. Don’t worry my family actually paid her to do it and it is something which I am forever grateful for.
One thing which eats me is that Jess is never going to be able to see the scans of her or what she was like as a bump. If we should go on to have another child I think I would take bump pictures and have scan pictures.
Has anyone else found out there where pregnant later than normal. If so do you have this mum guilt?